Bored at the wake of a friend's father, I decided to tour the funeral parlor to see if anyone else I knew was off to the great beyond.
I spot a counter, and intrigued by stacks of what look like money, I decide to take a closer look. Sure enough, money it was, bundles and bundles of money, in amounts you're unlikely to see in your bank account during your lifetime. Only this was the kind of money people burn to send off a loved one to make sure he has enough of it to lead an exorbitant lifestyle in heaven. "Gee", I thought, "Some people really believe you can take it with you."
But it got me thinking, what if you really needed cold hard cash in heaven? I went to bed with this thought in my head.....
I arrive at the pearly gates where Saint Peter is waiting for me. The gates are surrounded not by angels but by ordinary souls like me. For some reason, they're not in a hurry to get in line and just seem to be, well, loitering.
"That will be One Million Divinars." (the heavenly currency). Naturally, being a Catholic, my friends neglected to burn me up some moolah.
"But I don't have that kind of money!" I tell Saint Peter. "I didn't know you had to pay for admission to heaven!"
"That's alright." St. Peter tells me. "Sign here and here." And he hands me some legal looking documents.
"This is for a loan", I say, "for over five million divinars. Am I paying for more than the cost of admission?"
"Where do you think you're going to live in heaven?" retorts the guy with the keys. "We're going to get you a house."
"A house? How the heck am I going to pay for that?"
Saint Peter tells me not to worry. "Don't fret, the miminum wage here in heaven is quite considerable. You'll get a job soon. And because we're giving you forty years to pay for your loan, why, you would still be productive then and able to continue to make payments, even though your loan is at a subprime rate. Not too bad a deal to get your own slice of paradise, eh? And you came just in time, heaven is currently full of cheap homes."
St. Peter has got me convinced, and I am about to affix my John Hancock when curiosity gets the better of me. "St. Peter, who are those people just hanging around the gates?"
"Oh, don't worry about them. They're not going to bother you. They're the reason the homes in heaven are so cheap now. Some of them got sick, some of them lost their jobs. Most of them just couldn't make the payments on their homes because they spent their money on unnecessary things, like food, clothing, education... who needs that in heaven?" *wink* *wink*
I look beyond the gates and see some beautiful palatial homes. "Is my house going to look like that?"
"Oh, heavens, no! Those belong to the people who are giving you the loan. Those are really great folks, them bankers. They give you money to buy your house, which you only have to pay for all your life, and the only guarantee that you'll pay is your house itself!"
"So if I can't pay, they kick me out of my home?"
"Well, only if you can't pay."
"But if enough people can't pay, they lose money too?"
"Oh, that's what the Big Guy's for. To bail them out in case too many borrowers don't pay their loans."
"And these people around the gates? Is anyone going to bail them out?"
St. Peter struggles for an answer, "Uhhmmm, ahmmmm......"
I wake up in a start and begin writing an e-mail to my friend.
"Should I croak before you do, there's this little counter at the parlor....."
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