LIFE'S A B__CH!

Curious about how a website I used to visit on my old cellphone was doing, I dropped by Ananova.com and came across this strange article;

MAN MARRIES DOG

A man in southern India has married a dog on the advice of an astrologer.

Selva Kumar, 33, tied the knot with a three-year-old bitch called Selvi to get rid of a curse for killing two dogs 15 years ago.

Within four days of killing the animals, Kumar started suffering from paralysis, reports the Mumbai Mirror.

Medical treatment led to no improvement so he saw a local astrologer who told him the curse would be lifted if he married a bitch.

The groom, from Avilakulam in Tamil Nadu, wore a white dhoti and shirt while the bride was dressed in a pink silk saree for the wedding ceremony.

The ceremony ended with Kumar tying the Hindu 'sacred thread' around the dog's neck and vowing to take care of his wife forever.

At the feast that followed, the groom fed his bride her favourite food - buns."

:-D And then you marry one....

FREE BURMA!

SCIENCE!

My daughter asked me to help her design a T-shirt for her Science Club and this is what I came up with.

She'll never forgive me....

Hey, all intellectual rights reserved. Send me a check if you want to use it.

BAR

Catching the Sunday News story on the Bar exams, my wife asked me the reason for its unique name. After all, not every government administered examination has a special nickname all its own.

If you visit a properly furnished courtroom, you will notice that there is a bar that separates the public (the gallery) from the lawyers and the judge. This emphasizes that the public, while free to witness the proceedings, takes no part and should respect the trial process (mostly by remaining silent).

When one passes the Supreme Court administered examinations, he becomes a lawyer who is entitled to participate in his case and enter the area he was previously excluded from. Thus, he may be said to have "passed the bar". Hence, the "Bar Examinations".

Well, now you've learned two parts of a courtroom. Here are a few other parts:

The "Dock" - The area where prisoners are held while waiting for their case to be called. Usually a bench at the same side of the exit to help facilitate their escape.

The "Bench" - Where the judge sits, although called the bench, it is usually the most comfortable seat in the room. Surprisingly, the "bench" also includes his table.

The "Sidebar" - In early courtroom designs, the "bar" was usually "U"- shaped, so that it extended to the side of the bench where some of the gallery could actually sit. When a judge would call lawyers to confer on matters that were not fit to be made of record, he called them close to the bench in an area at the "side of the bar". It now refers to the area immediately in front of the bench where the judge and lawyers have their "sidebar" sometimes called a "sidebar conference".

BIG PAYCHECK

I asked God to send me a big paycheck.

So He sent me a bunch of coffee, saying,

"STOP GOING TO STARBUCKS!"

THE EX

Before we were married, I open one of her albums and find a picture of MY friend.

"What the heck's he doing in your album?"

"He used to be my boyfriend." Big laugh.

Fast forward to the future....

Turning left at a corner with my wife at my side, a bicycle cuts across our car's path. All of us, including the cyclist, are stunned. He gives us an astonished look, and then moves on.

My wife and I look at each other, then say in unison, "That was HIM!"

Second big laugh.

LOVE?

"As you make your vows today, I also make my own vow to you!"

And so the writer, in the mad haze that he confused for that emotion we all crave, staked his claim on his beloved on her wedding day.

Would things have been different had he written instead:

"Today as you make your vows, I wish you all the happiness in this world. I hope he can give you what I could not, and that all your dreams are fulfilled."

THE SECRET

THE SECRET Jul 28, '07 5:43 AM
for everyone

Philippine machismo requires that in his lifetime, the average Filipino male should drink a gazillion liters of alcohol. Among politicians, especially, this is a must, and proof of his electability is counted among the bottles of beer he consumes.

I must confess, however, that I do not have that problem. Give me enough beer and I just keel over.

Seriously, I am not able to consume alcohol in the prodigious amounts some of my friends do and confine myself, in large part, to the world of a mild social drinker's cocktails. I regret the nights I cannot control myself. Let's face it: Drunk is a bad state to be in. The next day's hangover even worse.

I even stopped dating a perfectly nice girl for the simple reason she could consume more beer than I could (and to this day she must be wondering why). My mistake, maybe she would have been... errr... nicer... had I let her drink more.

So it made me wonder, if you have to be an alcoholic to be a successful politician, doesn't that make us a country run by drunkards? A country beholden to the San Miguel Corporation?

Until I discovered the secret, unveiled to me by a politician at a party when the drinks were served.

"Here we go again!", he said, making me raise one eyebrow. Sensing my curiosity, he asked, "You know what I do when I find myself in situations where everyone is supposed to drink himself blind?"

I shrugged my shoulders.

He continues, "I drink the first bottle of beer, a little of the second, excuse myself to the bathroom, pour most of the beer out of the second bottle before returning to the table. I then repeat this procedure for every succeeding bottle making sure I take no more than a few sips from each."

I nearly gagged on MY beer. Now I know what to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~O~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Can you imagine the nerve of some people? At church, during mass, someone actually lit a cigarette, I almost dropped my beer!

Thanks for this joke, Verns!

ONE TRUE CHURCH

Pope Benedict declares the Catholic church to be the "One True Church" and this elicits negative reactions?

With apologies to my non-Catholic friends, but isn't it basic for almost ALL religions, even non-Christian ones, to declare itself the one true path to salvation?

Why the negative reaction then? Catholics do have the same right as everyone to express their own beliefs, and like most any denomination, we believe that our Church is the one true Christian Church. Why hate us for teaching the same thing everyone else does? The pope's declaration pales in comparison to the many attacks I've heard against the Catholic Church over the years.

Still, I've been open-minded enough to accept that other denominations and religions simply see us in a different light, and that it's only fundamental that they believe themselves to be the one true religion as well. Catholics are even more remarkably tolerant in that they leave room for members of other denominations to go to heaven.

In contrast, I've heard preachers from other denominations declare that unless one "accepts God", a not too well-disguised euphemism for "joins our denomination" his soul is condemned to hell for eternity.

Please, Catholics do have the same rights as everyone else.

ALL BLACK

What's with the color black? Black is a perfectly nice color for clothes, but not when people go all gaga over it.

Not too long ago, Cebu was black crazy. Perhaps taking a cue from the black NBA outfits (you have to admit, the black Chicago Bulls uniform was way cooler than the red), everyone was wearing black. Black was everywhere! On the street, in the classrooms. Black was, understandably, the dominant color at the party scene.

Well, Cebuanos managed to carry it too far.

After one night of hard gaming in the video arcade at the mall with my daughter. We looked around the corner to where the party places were to find a FLOOD of.... BLACK! It seemed like hell had taken over! From the perfectly delicious mini-dresses to the pretenders who just slipped on black t-shirts over their jeans (thus ensuring Cebuano's reputation for under dressing for a party), not a single soul seemed brave enough to wear another color.

Seeing a party hardy friend, I couldn't resist saying, and within earshot of at least a half-dozen similarly coiffed party goers, "Gee, everyone's in black. WHO DIED?"

I'd like to believe that's when Cebuanos started re-introducing other colors into their night life.